i don't have time to get myself a pedicure, let alone blog.
so read twista's fashion blog. she's the bees knees...
http://styleinsuburbia.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
out with the old and in with the new
yesterday i said goodbye to the malibu. after talking shit on that car for 4 years now i was actually kinda sad as i stripped it of my personal effects...because there are some things that no matter how hard i try and take with me, they are stuck with that car. like the soda stains from me and katie's "mountain dew code red" phase my freshman year of college. and the used and abused engine that broke down almost every time i went over the grapevine, including during the storm of the century in '05. and the 4 cbu resident stickers on the windshield that remind me of the 4 most amazing years of my life....
i asked my dad to take off my alumni liscence plate cover so i can put it on my new car. the truth is though, i don't think that car deserves it. it didn't take me on the hundreds of trips to and from my hometown and school...it didn't take a car load of drunk incahooters safely back to campus just hours before class...it didn't take me to the mall with my college crush...it didn't fly over the campus speed bumps everyday...and it most certainly did not transport 14 black trash bags full of empty beer bottles to the dumpster from the greatest party that cbu will ever know.
so yeah, excuse me for actually being a little emotional as i traded in this car...BUT as they say...as one car door closes, another one opens! (o;
and there it is! i traded my '98 chevy malibu for an '07 chevy aveo! isn't it pretty?? and though it doesn't hold a place for all my old memories, it has plenty of room for new ones. like lots of future roadtrips to see my brother in hollywood, my sister in san jose, and all the places in between...
here's to future peace, love, & happiness!!!!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
it's only taken me about 5 years to say this:
I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.
COMPLETELY.
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.
i took this picture today. i liked what it said about life. and most importantly, i think it gave me the confidence to finally move on.
cloudy days are in my past, and nothing but blue skies ahead!!
blue skies filled with people that love me - for all of me.
blue skies filled with no "mistakes."
blue skies filled with no "mistakes."
blue skies filled with happiness.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
dreams
the study of dream analysis has always fascinated me. there is something so mysterious about the unconscious mind and how it works. like when you wake up from a crazy- and seemingly random- dream and think, what the hell was that all about?? being a psych major we dabbled in the study of dreams a little bit, looking at the different psychological theories about what dreams are and what they mean. there's the theory that our brain is just sorting out lots of information each night - like flashes of images and sounds, all jumbling together, and that's why it makes no sense to us in the morning. there's also the theory that dreams are prophetic - like they can give us a glimpse into the future. most experts just believe this phenomenon occurs because our dreaming mind is able to piece together bits of information and observations that we normally overlook or that we do not seriously consider. in other words, our unconscious mind knows what is coming before we consciously piece together the same information. but the theory that i find the most intriguing, and definately the most useful, is the theory that dreams are symbolic. different colors, different animals, different places, etc, can all symbolize something that we are subconsciously feeling. therefore if we can just find a way to interperate our dreams we might be able to find the answers to our secret desires and subconscious feelings. i have found this information very useful in my life because i, like so many others i'm sure, have gotten good at lying to myself. when i have issues that need to be dealt with, do i face them head on and deal? ofcourse not. i'm a classic avoidance case here. or if i'm going to some event that i know is going to suck, i've learned to just tell myself i'm going to have a good time, and i do! i avoid dealing with bad situations at all costs. i've learned that mind of matter is the key - and besides, who wants to hang with a negative nacy all the time? but i've also learned that there's one place that i can't hide from my true feelings. one place where i can't pretend to feeling anything different from what i really am...my dreams. they are merely an extension of how i truly perceive myself. now sometimes, being able to interperate my dreams can be a source of inspiration, wisdom, joy, and overall improved psychological health. but other times, it just scares the living shit out of me to know what's going on inside! so, for the most part, i choose to forget my dreams and not look into them further. buuuut, after a really strange dream two nights ago i decided that i HAD to figure out what it meant.
ok, so here's a summarized version of the dream: i was outside with my brother and possibly some other family members and such, when this creature comes out of the bushes and it's an alligator! well the alligator starts walking towards my brother and while he is seemingly cool with it, i am freaking out!! then the alligator turns to me and kind of morphs into more of a giant lizard/iguana/dinosaur looking thing and begins to chase me! so this giant lizard is chasing me and everyone around seems totally fine about it - like they know he's just playing or something and not going to hurt me, so they don't see why i'm so scared and running from it. well i keep running and hiding from this thing cuz i don't want it to get near me so i try jumping in the pool and hiding underwater, then i try running for the house towards the sliding door on the side of the yard and lock it really quick, but the door is glass so i still see the lizard on the other side and i'm terrified! it scared me so bad....
so, next step: dream analysis. the eastiest way to do this is by using a dream interpretaion dictionary. if you don't have a book, then you can find dream analysis stuff right online. look up key words that you remember from your dream - for instance: alligator, lizard, being chased, underwater, pool, glass, glasshouse, door, monster, fear, etc.
and finally, this is what i came up with:
Alligator:
To see an alligator in your dream, symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take a new perspective on a situation. It may also represent your ability to move between the material world of waking life and the emotional, repressed world of the unconscious. Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities. An alligator also suggests that you are thick-skinned or insensitive.
To dream that you are running away from the alligator, indicates that you are unwilling to confront some painful and disturbing aspect of your unconscious. There is some potentially destructive emotion that you are refusing to acknowledge andowning up to.
Lizard:
To see a lizard in your dream, signifies your primal instincts and reactions toward sex, food, etc. and your anxieties toward these feelings. The lizard can also be representative of a person who you view as cold-blooded, fearful, or thick-skinned. On a more positive note, the lizard also symbolizes emerging creativity, renewal, and revitalization. It may also suggest that you are well-grounded.
"I'm Being Chased":
Chase dreams is one of several common dream themes. As with most of the common dreams, they often stem from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in your environment. In these dreams, you can be pursued by an attacker, an animal or an unknown figure, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. In turn, you run, hide or try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you so that you can gain understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. The shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of your self. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you. Perhaps you are running away from something. What are you trying to run from?Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap between your pursuer, then the problem is becoming less and less of an issue. You are able to successful distance yourself from the problem. In essence, the problem is fading away.
Underwater:
To dream that you are underwater, suggests that you are feeling overcome with emotions and are in need of greater control in your life. You may be in over your head regarding some situation.
Pool:
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in.
Glass:
To see glass in your dream, symbolizes passivity or protection. You may be putting up an invisible barrier to protect yourself in a situation or relationship. To dream that you are looking through glass, represents your openness and non-defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be putting up an invisible emotional barrier around yourself.
Glass House:
To see a glass house in your dream, signifies that flattery is likely to hurt you.
To dream that you are living in a glass house, signifies the threatened loss of your reputation. Alternatively, it suggests that you are being watched.
Door:
To dream that you are locking doors, suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear and low self-worth.
Monster:
To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster, represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents.
Fears:
To dream that you feel fear from any cause, denotes that your future engagements will not prove so successful as was expected.
For a young woman, this dream forebodes disappointment and unfortunate love.
wow. that was a lot of info to swallow, right? and a lot of depressing info at that! well that's me. shannon. i run from my fears and closing myself off from getting hurt. i can fool you all - but i can't fool my subconscious.
so if you wake up and remember one of your crazy dreams, write it down, email it to me, and i'll tell you what you can't tell yourself. (o;
ok, so here's a summarized version of the dream: i was outside with my brother and possibly some other family members and such, when this creature comes out of the bushes and it's an alligator! well the alligator starts walking towards my brother and while he is seemingly cool with it, i am freaking out!! then the alligator turns to me and kind of morphs into more of a giant lizard/iguana/dinosaur looking thing and begins to chase me! so this giant lizard is chasing me and everyone around seems totally fine about it - like they know he's just playing or something and not going to hurt me, so they don't see why i'm so scared and running from it. well i keep running and hiding from this thing cuz i don't want it to get near me so i try jumping in the pool and hiding underwater, then i try running for the house towards the sliding door on the side of the yard and lock it really quick, but the door is glass so i still see the lizard on the other side and i'm terrified! it scared me so bad....
so, next step: dream analysis. the eastiest way to do this is by using a dream interpretaion dictionary. if you don't have a book, then you can find dream analysis stuff right online. look up key words that you remember from your dream - for instance: alligator, lizard, being chased, underwater, pool, glass, glasshouse, door, monster, fear, etc.
and finally, this is what i came up with:
Alligator:
To see an alligator in your dream, symbolizes treachery, deceit, and hidden instincts. It may be a signal for you to take a new perspective on a situation. It may also represent your ability to move between the material world of waking life and the emotional, repressed world of the unconscious. Alternatively, the alligator represents healing powers and qualities. An alligator also suggests that you are thick-skinned or insensitive.
To dream that you are running away from the alligator, indicates that you are unwilling to confront some painful and disturbing aspect of your unconscious. There is some potentially destructive emotion that you are refusing to acknowledge andowning up to.
Lizard:
To see a lizard in your dream, signifies your primal instincts and reactions toward sex, food, etc. and your anxieties toward these feelings. The lizard can also be representative of a person who you view as cold-blooded, fearful, or thick-skinned. On a more positive note, the lizard also symbolizes emerging creativity, renewal, and revitalization. It may also suggest that you are well-grounded.
"I'm Being Chased":
Chase dreams is one of several common dream themes. As with most of the common dreams, they often stem from feelings of anxiety in your waking life. Running is an instinctive response to physical threats in your environment. In these dreams, you can be pursued by an attacker, an animal or an unknown figure, who wants to hurt or possibly kill you. In turn, you run, hide or try to outwit your pursuer. Your actions in the dream parallel how you respond to pressure and cope with fears, stress or various situations in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. Ask yourself who is the one chasing you so that you can gain understanding and insight on the source of your fears and anxieties.The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may also represent an aspect of yourself. Your own feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and possibly love, can assume the appearance of threatening figure. The shadowy figure can also symbolize rejected characteristics of your self. You may be projecting these feelings onto the unknown chaser. Next time you have a chase dream, turn around and confront your pursuer. Ask them why they are chasing you. Perhaps you are running away from something. What are you trying to run from?Consider the distance or gap between you and your pursuer. This indicates your closeness to the issue. If the pursuer is gaining on you, then it suggests that the problem is not going to go away. The problem will surround you until you confront and address it. However, if you are able to widen the gap between your pursuer, then the problem is becoming less and less of an issue. You are able to successful distance yourself from the problem. In essence, the problem is fading away.
Underwater:
To dream that you are underwater, suggests that you are feeling overcome with emotions and are in need of greater control in your life. You may be in over your head regarding some situation.
Pool:
To see a pool of water in your dream, indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in.
Glass:
To see glass in your dream, symbolizes passivity or protection. You may be putting up an invisible barrier to protect yourself in a situation or relationship. To dream that you are looking through glass, represents your openness and non-defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be putting up an invisible emotional barrier around yourself.
Glass House:
To see a glass house in your dream, signifies that flattery is likely to hurt you.
To dream that you are living in a glass house, signifies the threatened loss of your reputation. Alternatively, it suggests that you are being watched.
Door:
To dream that you are locking doors, suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear and low self-worth.
Monster:
To dream that you are chased or followed by a monster, represents aspects of yourself that you find repulsive and ugly. You may possess some fears or some repressed emotions. Try to confront the monster in your dream and figure out who or what aspect of yourself the monster represents.
Fears:
To dream that you feel fear from any cause, denotes that your future engagements will not prove so successful as was expected.
For a young woman, this dream forebodes disappointment and unfortunate love.
wow. that was a lot of info to swallow, right? and a lot of depressing info at that! well that's me. shannon. i run from my fears and closing myself off from getting hurt. i can fool you all - but i can't fool my subconscious.
so if you wake up and remember one of your crazy dreams, write it down, email it to me, and i'll tell you what you can't tell yourself. (o;
Sunday, March 22, 2009
yup. it's official.
nice guys know how to break your heart too.
now someone please come watch my best friends wedding with me so i can cry and you can give me some bull shit line about how amazing i am, and how i deserve better, and how there's more fish in the sea, and yada yada yada...
i mean, it's not like i completely humiliated myself on national tevelvision or anything...oh wait, i did!!!
FUUUUUCK.
now someone please come watch my best friends wedding with me so i can cry and you can give me some bull shit line about how amazing i am, and how i deserve better, and how there's more fish in the sea, and yada yada yada...
i mean, it's not like i completely humiliated myself on national tevelvision or anything...oh wait, i did!!!
FUUUUUCK.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
lbs.
after 4 weeks:
17 down...
5 million to go!!! ha!
but i already had to buy new jeans and i have tons of energy now so i'm feelin' good!
aaaaaaand i like a really cute boy!
no but seriously...homeboy is bangin'!!! (o:
17 down...
5 million to go!!! ha!
but i already had to buy new jeans and i have tons of energy now so i'm feelin' good!
aaaaaaand i like a really cute boy!
no but seriously...homeboy is bangin'!!! (o:
Sunday, March 1, 2009
home sweet home.
fresno. the more time i spend here, the more beauty i find in it. 
i've complained about this town more times than i count, and always told myself that i would never move back here, never stay here for long, and most definately not find any kind of happiness here.
however, certain circumstances that are out of my control have put me here...for who knows how long...so i have been trying to come to terms with that and make "the best" of my situation. because no one likes a negative nancy, right?
well, in all honesty- even though i told myself this, over the past ten months i haven't really given fresno the chance. whether it's san frany or LA, i have been going out of town almost every other weekend. i've been trying to escape the realities of me living at home, rather than facing them head on and making the most of it. i came to this realization about 2 weeks ago...the realization that i haven't been giving the people or places here in fresno the time of day. i blow off guys on a constant basis because deep down i'm afraid that if i get into a relationship they'll somehow "force" me to stay here. i go to church off and on, but i haven't found a stable church home. i haven't even unpacked some of my moving boxes. it's like i've made every effort to make sure that i am not rooted in this town in any possible way. and what has all this done for me?? i ended feeling like a nomad in my own home town. but the only person responsible for making me feel this way was myself.
it's amazing what kind of changes can happen in one's life in just 2 weeks when they decide to actually live it. i have a new church home and possibly a new bible study. i have a new set of friends. i have a new weekly hang out. i have a new crush! i have a new job...and i'm actively pursuing all of them!!! for the first time in my life, i'm actually giving fresno a chance to make me happy. i'm learning that i don't need to drive 3 hours to find what i'm looking for in life. there's so much available for me here, all i have to do is be open to experience it.
so this is me now. happy. i'm finding art in everyday things. from the tree blossoms that look like snow falling, to the clear skies showcasing the real snow on nearby mountaions. from the giant wall murals in downtown, to the funky paint creations we made in mel's living room. from watching abigail & jonathon's bands perform in tower, to challenging the boys in a game of rock band.
i'm giving this place a chance, and loving every minute because of it.
i've complained about this town more times than i count, and always told myself that i would never move back here, never stay here for long, and most definately not find any kind of happiness here.
however, certain circumstances that are out of my control have put me here...for who knows how long...so i have been trying to come to terms with that and make "the best" of my situation. because no one likes a negative nancy, right?
well, in all honesty- even though i told myself this, over the past ten months i haven't really given fresno the chance. whether it's san frany or LA, i have been going out of town almost every other weekend. i've been trying to escape the realities of me living at home, rather than facing them head on and making the most of it. i came to this realization about 2 weeks ago...the realization that i haven't been giving the people or places here in fresno the time of day. i blow off guys on a constant basis because deep down i'm afraid that if i get into a relationship they'll somehow "force" me to stay here. i go to church off and on, but i haven't found a stable church home. i haven't even unpacked some of my moving boxes. it's like i've made every effort to make sure that i am not rooted in this town in any possible way. and what has all this done for me?? i ended feeling like a nomad in my own home town. but the only person responsible for making me feel this way was myself.
it's amazing what kind of changes can happen in one's life in just 2 weeks when they decide to actually live it. i have a new church home and possibly a new bible study. i have a new set of friends. i have a new weekly hang out. i have a new crush! i have a new job...and i'm actively pursuing all of them!!! for the first time in my life, i'm actually giving fresno a chance to make me happy. i'm learning that i don't need to drive 3 hours to find what i'm looking for in life. there's so much available for me here, all i have to do is be open to experience it.
so this is me now. happy. i'm finding art in everyday things. from the tree blossoms that look like snow falling, to the clear skies showcasing the real snow on nearby mountaions. from the giant wall murals in downtown, to the funky paint creations we made in mel's living room. from watching abigail & jonathon's bands perform in tower, to challenging the boys in a game of rock band.i'm giving this place a chance, and loving every minute because of it.
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